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Six poems

TAE A SPROG

by Bobby Lauder

Wee sprog, ye're sleepin oan ma knee
yer teeny crumplt face ah see
tho ah should be sae young an free,
ma airms ye fill,
ah ken yer maw ah canny be,
ah'm still et skill.
 
Ae moonlicht nicht abent the shed,
tae me some coaxin words were said,
an when he pu'd me intae bed
ma claes wir torn
then cam the day thit ah did dread,
sprog, ye wir born.
 
Claes an rattles ah hud tae buy,
shush, ma bairnie, an dinny cry,
ah wis abused an that is why
ye hud tae come,
ah'm fourteen, sprog, how could ah try
an be yer mum?
 
Maw ayeways said thit love wis blind,
an thocht thit this wid blaw hur mind,
bit she's bin gentle, she's bin kind,
an ah kin see,
no mony maws like hur ye'd find,
she's guid tae me.
 
Raws o nappies upoan the line,
a'body thinks ah'm daein fine,
they dinny ken this sprog o mine,
she greets aw nicht,
an ah wid hae tae draw the line
cos money's ticht.
 
Although ye're only twa days auld,
fur ye ma sprog,
ma hert is cauld,
yer teeny form ah can't enfauld,
it canny be,
dinny furget whit ye've been told,
remember me.
 
Crystal Palace
  
We went to Crystal Palace
for a bevvy and a meal
and I know Bill won’t forget it,
he kept saying it wisny real,
When we all put in our orders
we sat waiting patiently,
with thirsts and empty bellies
 the feast we longed to see
 
When the staff started serving
we could smell a crackin smell
Bill, he was simply starving
and he had a thirst as well
As everything flew past his nose
he could smell plate after plate
but his Surf and Turf did not arrive
and poor Bill he had to wait.
 
As the time went passing by
a frown was on his face
because between his knife and fork
there was still an empty space
Whoever put the order in
 must have felt a clown
for when they checked it once again
Bill’s hadn’t been marked down
 
 
Dinner time
 
The dinner it was ready
the wife she put it out
then she went to the door
to give her man a shout.
 
she saw him in the garden
standing staring into space
His mucky pipe was in his mouth
and a smile was on his face.
 
Five times she shouted to him
and five times she was ignored
She thought she’d try it one more time
 this time she really roared.
 
Then this short-sighted woman
 went out to bring him home
‘twas only then she realised
‘twas her new gigantic gnome.
 
 
 
His Double Engagement
 
Yisterday wis ma waddin day
the sun wis shinin bright
ah wis feelin like a princess
as ah sat there dressed in white
The waddin caur went roon an roon
ma hert wis filled wi fear
could it be my beloved one
hud furgoatten tae appear?
 
 
The organ stertit playin
the pipes began tae blaw
ah kent ma faither wid be prood
tae gie his lass awaw
some guests they wir sheddin tears
while ithers began tae smile
they longed tae see ma dad an me
walkin doon the aisle.
 
 
Ah wis trimmlin like a jeely
though ah wisny on ma ain
ma mobile rang; ah answered it
an ma hero did explain
He said, Ah canny mak it hen
it’s really such a shame
ah’m ower here in Spain the noo
tae see the Celtic game.
 
 
It's Gone
 
When Jeeny rose wan moarnin
she wis feelin proper ill
as hur heid it wis jist gowpin
the lassie took a pill
 
she flew oot tae the bus stoap
while hur heid wis gein hur hell
 it wis a winter’s moarnin
as she stood aw by hersel.
 
a queue began tae gether
the lass began tae freeze
when hur nose stertit runnin
Jeeny gave a herty sneeze.
 
She wis a quait wee lassie
wha widny cause a fuss
 hur heid wis getting better
as she waited fur the bus
 
when the pain it disappeared
she turnt roon an said,
 “it’s gone!”
some cursed an then
 they walked awaw
 it wis too cauld tae staun.
 
                         
She Rattled Oan in German
 
Ma wee lass cam hame frae skill
an she’s only eight years auld
Hur frecklt face was dirty
an she said hur feet wir cauld
ah asked hur whit she learned that day
as I waarmed hur teeny haun
bit she rattled on in German
and I coodny unnerstaun.
 
I telt her, “Talk in English hen,
so’s ah’ll  ken whit ye say!”
bit hir mither she ignored
as she rin oot tae play
ma lassie drives me up the wa’
she’s there, an then she’s gone
an when she rattles oan in German
 ah jist canny unnnerstaun.
 
Wee anes talk in English tongues
an folks ken what they say
bit my lass belts oan in German
aye pal, every blessit day
when weans are talkin tae their folks
they’ll ramble oan an oan
 bit when she belts oan in German
 she’s hard tae unnerstaun
 
ah think that ah’ll gae back to skilll
an try fur a degree
then I will unnerstaun my lass
each time she talks tae me
but my wee lassie dinsy ken
thit ah hae the plans in haun
an each time she talks in German
her daft maw, she’ll unnerstaun.